Review

"A Lifelong Love: The Hallmark Movie That Out-Hallmarked Hallmark"

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a Hallmark movie had a baby with another Hallmark movie, and then that baby grew up to star in its own Hallmark holiday movie, A Lifelong Love is here to answer that question. Released in 2023, this film is the cinematic equivalent of a cozy blanket, a cup of hot cocoa, and a snow globe that never stops shaking. It’s so Hallmark-y, it might as well be called Hallmark: The Movie.

The plot is as predictable as a Hallmark holiday movie marathon in December. Girl (played by the perpetually cheerful Emma Snowflake—yes, that’s her real name, probably) moves back to her small hometown after a big-city career disaster. She reconnects with her high school sweetheart, Jake (who looks like he was genetically engineered in a lab to be the perfect small-town handyman). Together, they rediscover love, save the local Christmas tree farm, and learn the true meaning of life, which apparently involves a lot of slow-motion snowball fights and awkwardly staged dance scenes in a barn.

The dialogue is so wholesome, it could cure cynicism. Lines like, “Sometimes, the best things in life are right where you left them,” and “Love isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about the little moments,” are delivered with the kind of sincerity that makes you wonder if the actors were contractually obligated to believe every word.

But here’s the twist: A Lifelong Love somehow manages to be so over-the-top Hallmark that it loops back around to being brilliant. The townspeople are so quirky, they make the residents of Stars Hollow look boring. There’s a subplot about a goat named Mr. Jingles who steals every scene he’s in, and the soundtrack is 90% jingle bells, even in scenes that take place in July.

If you’re a fan of Hallmark movies, this is your Citizen Kane. If you’re not a fan, this movie will either convert you or make you swear off hot cocoa forever. Either way, A Lifelong Love is a cinematic experience that will leave you wondering why you’re crying over a scene where two people decorate a tree while wearing matching sweaters.

Rating: 5 out of 5 snowflakes. Would watch again while wrapped in a blanket and pretending I live in a town where everyone knows my name and bakes pies for no reason.