Review

"Make Me a Match: A Hallmark Movie So Predictable, Even Your Grandma Called the Ending"

If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to watch a Hallmark movie that’s been genetically engineered in a lab to be the most Hallmark movie ever made, then Make Me a Match is here to fulfill your oddly specific fantasy. Released in 2023, this film is like a warm, slightly stale sugar cookie—comforting, familiar, and so sweet it might give you a cavity.

The plot? Oh, you already know it. Small-town matchmaker (played by the perpetually perky and inexplicably single lead actress) accidentally matches herself with the big-city workaholic (played by the guy who looks like he’s never met a spreadsheet he didn’t love). Spoiler alert: They fall in love. Shocking, I know. But hey, if you’re watching this for the plot twists, you’re in the wrong genre. This is Hallmark, baby—where the only twist is whether the hot cocoa will have marshmallows or whipped cream.

The movie is set in a town so quaint it makes Gilmore Girls’ Stars Hollow look like Times Square. There’s a gazebo, a bakery that only sells pies, and a dog that shows up in every scene for no reason other than to remind you that dogs are better than people. The dialogue is so wholesome it could cure cynicism, but it also makes you wonder if anyone in this town has ever said the word “crap” without apologizing to Jesus afterward.

Now, let’s talk about the chemistry between the leads. It’s there. Kind of. If by “chemistry” you mean they smile at each other a lot and occasionally touch hands while decorating a Christmas tree (because of course there’s a Christmas tree—this is basically a Hallmark holiday movie in disguise). But honestly, the real romance is between the lead actress and her collection of oversized scarves. That woman could knit a sweater for a giraffe with all the yarn she’s rocking.

The movie’s title, Make Me a Match, is ironic because the real match being made is between you and your couch. You’re not here for groundbreaking cinema; you’re here to turn off your brain and bask in the glow of twinkle lights and awkward small-town dance sequences. And on that front, this movie delivers. It’s like a warm hug from your grandma, if your grandma also forced you to watch 47 Hallmark holiday movies every December.

In conclusion, Make Me a Match is the cinematic equivalent of a Hallmark greeting card: it’s cheesy, it’s predictable, and it’s exactly what you signed up for. If you’re a fan of Hallmark movies, you’ll love it. If you’re not, well, you probably stopped reading this review three paragraphs ago. Either way, grab some popcorn, suspend your disbelief, and enjoy the ride. Just don’t forget to thank the dog for carrying the entire movie on its furry little shoulders. 🐾