Review

"The Royal We: A Crown Jewel of Predictability with a Side of Cheese"

Ah, The Royal We, the 2025 cinematic masterpiece that somehow manages to combine the charm of Hallmark movies with the grandeur of a royal wedding. If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a Hallmark holiday movie got drunk on tea and decided to crash Buckingham Palace, this is the film for you. Spoiler alert: it’s exactly as ridiculous and delightful as it sounds.

The plot is as predictable as the ending of every Hallmark movie ever made. A plucky American commoner (played by the ever-charming Emma Sparkle) accidentally spills coffee on a prince (Prince Handsome McChiseledJaw, portrayed by someone who clearly spent more time in the royal gym than in acting classes). Naturally, they fall in love, but not before a series of misunderstandings, a jealous ex-duchess, and a corgi that steals every scene it’s in. Oh, and there’s a ball. Of course there’s a ball. Because what’s a royal romance without a ball where someone inevitably trips but is saved by the prince in a move so smooth it could only happen in a movie?

The dialogue is a mix of Shakespearean-level declarations of love and lines so cheesy they could be served at a Hallmark holiday movie marathon. At one point, Prince McChiseledJaw actually says, “You may be a commoner, but to me, you’re the queen of my heart.” I’m not kidding. I rewound it three times just to make sure I heard it correctly. And yes, I cried a little. Don’t judge me.

The film’s pacing is slower than a royal procession, but it’s saved by its over-the-top commitment to its own absurdity. There’s a scene where Emma Sparkle teaches the prince how to “dab” at a royal gala, and I haven’t laughed that hard since I accidentally watched three Hallmark holiday movies back-to-back and realized they were all the same plot with different sweaters.

In the end, The Royal We is exactly what you’d expect: a feel-good, utterly ridiculous, and shamelessly romantic romp that’s perfect for anyone who’s ever dreamed of marrying a prince or just wants to escape reality for two hours. It’s not high art, but it’s not trying to be. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a warm cup of tea and a scone—comforting, familiar, and just a little bit extra.

So grab your tiara, pour yourself a cup of Earl Grey, and settle in for a movie that’s as regal as it is ridiculous. Just don’t be surprised if you find yourself Googling “how to become a duchess” afterward. 3.5 out of 5 crowns.