Review

"Welcome to Valentine: Where Love is as Predictable as a Hallmark Movie, but with More Cows"

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a Hallmark holiday movie got drunk on moonshine and decided to set up shop in a town with more cows than people, Welcome to Valentine is here to answer that question. Released in 2023, this film is the cinematic equivalent of a warm, slightly stale sugar cookie—comforting, familiar, and just a little bit cheesy (and not just because of the dairy farm subplot).

The story follows big-city lawyer Emily (played by someone who looks like they’ve never actually been to a city) as she inherits her late aunt’s farm in the charmingly named town of Valentine, Nebraska. Spoiler alert: she hates it at first. But then she meets a ruggedly handsome cowboy named Jake (who is contractually obligated to wear flannel in every scene), and suddenly, the cows don’t seem so bad. Cue the montage of Emily learning to milk a cow, bake a pie, and fall in love with small-town life—all while Jake smolders in the background like a human campfire.

The plot is as predictable as a Hallmark movie marathon on a snowy Sunday afternoon. You’ll know exactly where this is going within the first 10 minutes: Emily will reluctantly stay in Valentine, clash with Jake over something trivial (probably a fence or a cow), and then realize that true love was in the hay bales all along. There’s even a quirky town festival involving heart-shaped decorations and a dance-off, because of course there is.

What sets Welcome to Valentine apart from your average Hallmark holiday movie is its self-awareness. The film knows it’s ridiculous, and it leans into it with a wink and a nod. For example, there’s a scene where Emily tries to wrangle a runaway cow while wearing designer heels, and it’s so absurdly over-the-top that you can’t help but laugh. The dialogue is peppered with groan-worthy puns about love and farming (“You can’t herd love, but you can herd cows!”), and the townsfolk are so aggressively wholesome that you half-expect them to break into a synchronized tap dance.

The cinematography is surprisingly beautiful, with sweeping shots of rolling hills and golden sunsets that make you forget you’re watching a movie about a woman who falls in love with a guy named Jake and his 47 cows. The soundtrack is a mix of twangy country ballads and acoustic covers of pop songs, because nothing says “romance” like a banjo version of “Shallow.”

In conclusion, Welcome to Valentine is the perfect movie for anyone who loves Hallmark movies but wishes they had more livestock. It’s cheesy, predictable, and utterly delightful. If you’re looking for a film that will make you laugh, cry, and question why you’re so invested in the love life of a fictional cow farmer, this is the one for you. Just don’t forget the popcorn—and maybe a glass of milk to go with it. 🐄❤️